You know, with the holidays here, Christmas and shit, and my ?? birthday in a few days, i haven't been like the most cheerful happy dude later....like....there's alot that bothers me, and its like things I really might not need but want and just people and surroundings man, its crazy......so while all y'all looking for iPhone (i got one already), computers and Xbox 360's and cash and jewels and shit for Christmas and ya birthdays, there's not a price you could put on anything anyone could give me......I want to be free...and feel like I don't have a care in the world, but how can I when its had enough being a African-American male who looks like a 19 year old in a world where racism is starting to unfold just because there's a probability were gonna have our first African-American president, I want love, I don't wanna be in the club at 33 looking for a wife or a one night stand lol...not to say I'm 33 but you understand, back to being serious but...yea, i do want love....there's a certain woman around me right now, who I believe couldn't be a more perfect person for me.....she's beautiful, she has to have like the biggest heart...its like.....ok...you meet 20 women, beautiful attractive woman, and 15 of them are full of shit, and the other 5 have similar characteristics, same with dudes, but its like you met one, you met them all, and not to say there's not a thing or two that make me feel weird about her, but its all process, and understanding....and I as much as I express myself, that 20 people thing again with the 15 who are alike and 5 close enough I believe get in her way of trusting me, or just maybe its just another situation I can't fix, but the thing about it is....I'm sold on her......like if she was the beat up Toyota corolla next to the 650....I'll give all I had to the Corolla, just say she's special and she knows who she is RM...I appreciate you..........I want to be able to make people around me walk in my shoes, its like....I do alot, life period, I try to please everyone around me and it should be like FUCK you, like it or leave it, but it ain't...I love everybody even when people shit on me, I understand people are people, and everyone makes decisions that don't make a shit worth of sense but its there decision....I don't take anything personal, and I believe the worst thing you could do to someone is lead them on or lie to them about what or how you feel, or ignore someone to kinda make them go away then just being forward, sensitivity will kill you, dead....and if every action someone takes offends you or touches you or anything you might be weak or if you cant walk on your own two at all times, you cant consider yourself strong, I almost died last year, and was in a hospital bed getting blood transfusions and I smiled and joked around with everyone who came in my room and made beats in bed couldn't get food for two days and found enough inner strength in myself to hold the tears back and tell myself that it wasn't my time to go anywhere, and everybody around me then ain't here now, they living but they ain't around me...its like I scared them off, I'm human, humans have health condition and things you might be able to deal wit but I'm human, and when you love or have feelings for someone you there regardless of whats ab-normal or different about them, and all those people I came out my pocket for, made sure they ate when they couldn't called every night to make sure they were OK and shared all my personal inner issues with that I've always had issue talking about couldn't find time to come see me in a hospital, and that's love.......and I sit here like fuck this fuck that fuck pain fuck life because I hurt and I wanna fold up and cry, I've flushed my medicine down the toilet, drunk a whole fucking bottle of E&J when I wasn't supposed to be drinking alcohol, tried to cut my wrist, passed out in my bathroom unconscious all because of this fucking illness that I'm beating the shit out of and wish I never had this shit, but I've came to under that this shit has matured me, and made me a man, and stronger and even tho I'm a kid at heart, I've grown.......I wish I could see my family more, and that things would be like they used to be when we were all together, but we're all to different at times, but I think I'm the catalyst...I feel like I need to make more of a effort to bring not only them but me closer, maybe one day...idk........
1 comment:
Damn, theres alot I could address in this entry, but I think more importantly than me breaking it down, is the acknowledgment that your brotha Dwan, is reading and fully appreciates you. Everybody wants what alot of the time theyre not willing to give. Time, conversation, support, comfort. And when in your case the same that is given isn't received, it's so easy to be the bad guy or asshole....but you remain you bro, and I look up to you for that. You inspire me in more ways than you know.
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